Saying Goodbye

<Originally posted elsewhere August 8th, 2008>


Services were yesterday and the church was absolutely packed.  Young and old, tattooed and not, it was definitely a very diverse crowd as Aaron was a very diverse person. 

Edward and I were commenting that we couldn't remember the last time either of us had stepped foot in a church.  Neither of us like churches all that much so we figured if we couldn't remember the last time, we were doing pretty good. 

I was able to retain my composure until I saw C.  I immediately broke down and was very glad I had re-thought the mascara idea earlier.  It was good to see her, but it was also painful.  I wanted more than anything NOT to be there... to go back to last Thursday when life as we knew it was status quo. 

There was the requisite pastor speech but he was also eulogized by his brother, his brother's girlfriend, and his father.  When any of them spoke, I don't think there was a dry eye in the house.  Overhead was a projection screen that showed pictures of Aaron.  Such a young life, so full of spirit and it's hard to believe that he's gone. 

I hadn't seen Aaron's brother since the Halloween party.  Since then, he'd lost a little weight, gotten a buzz cut and was the spitting image of his Aaron.  It was definitely eerie. He was one of the pallbearers and as they took Aaron out of the church, I noticed he was wearing the hat that I saw Aaron wearing much of the time.  It was a striking image to say the least.  I thought I might never stop crying. 

I was able to get some alone time with C at the wake and that was quite helpful.  She confirmed the details about the suicide and I'd been right about them.  Hearing the story of what happened was difficult but also something I needed to hear.  It also felt good just to be able to stand there and hug her.  I'd wanted to call or go visit multiple times throughout the week but wanted to give her the space and time to put things together.      


This week has felt like it's gone by in slow motion.  Every day feeling different than the last yet still struck by that feeling that this can't quite be real.  I daresay that yesterday was a hefty dose of reality.  I know it's real and I know Aaron's really gone.  I know this is just the start of the healing process for everyone who knew him.  It'll be a long time before I don't think of him everyday (or even every hour) but here is my goodbye... 

We miss you, Aaron.  Thank you for the person that you were and for the many lives you so obviously shaped.  Thank you for two years of car service and oil changes.  Thank you for all of the good-natured teasing about Burning Man and our spars back and forth of punk vs. EDM.  Thank you for being such a critical part of your parents' Halloween traditions that have become such a joy to all of us. Every time I called you to set up service for my car, I was always struck by how polite and professional you were.  I learned so much about you through your mom so you were probably unaware of just how much I knew about your life and the fondness I had for you.  (I made sure to tell your brother this yesterday.)  I know that you were in a lot of pain and the demons continued to return.  I know that you were hurting and felt there was no other option.  I hope you have finally found the quiet you were seeking.  Rest in peace, Aaron.