Fetish What?

<Originally posted elsewhere on October 13th, 2008>


A friend invited me to the Fetish Ball with her this weekend and when she asked me, I almost automatically declined.  I have nothing to wear, I would be somewhat out of my element and there is a high probability of running into a few skeletons.  However, I've been in a bit of a rut lately and have been safely nesting comfortably inside my box.  It was time to get out of the box so I said yes.

We had the most wonderful day traipsing around the city in search of fetishy outfits that still let our inner burners shine through.  We stuffed, squeezed and contorted through dressing rooms full of clothing until I found a super hot outfit and she found an outfit that did not make her look like a beer girl.

In a matter of minutes, her living room was the resting place for countless outfits, clothes, shoes and make-up.  It took us the better part of an hour to create fetish bliss but for two burner chicks who are partial to fur and blinky shit, we did alright.

We headed to the venue and managed to find damn near rock star parking which was a great relief to our feet.  I was wearing 4 inch platform mary janes and she had on shorter mary janes that were a half size too small.  I was relieved that I probably wouldn't hobble very far to the car after being greatly disturbed by all the displays of fetishery.

Yeah. 


In a word, the Fetish Ball was lame.  There was live angry music, there were BDSM gear vendors, and there was black.  Lots of it.  I'm guessing it's not as appropriate to tie someone up and whip them in purple fur but I daresay it would be MORE kinky since it isn't the norm.  There was a guy in a bunny suit who was all chained up and that was far more interesting than the sea of fishnets, corsets, and cyberlox.  Snore.

We saw a somewhat sexy stage performance between two girls.  The crowd ooh'd and ahh'd at the end when the girls made out and my friend and I just looked at each like "Really?"  Girls making out is still interesting to these people?  Granted, chicks playing tonsil hockey is always sort of cool, but we're at the fetish ball for crying out loud.  I was sort of hoping for some sort of tampon violation or curling iron sodomy.  Let's make this a night to remember, yes?

I wanted to be disturbed.  I wanted to question my own definition of kink.  I wanted to feel incredibly turned on or so far removed from the idea of sex because of the horrors we'd witnessed.  I wanted to possibly drown myself in Ben and Jerry's post-ball just to purge the nasty.  I wanted to feel SOMETHING.

Instead, all I really felt was a massive case of the giggles due to the ping-ponging of snark between my friend and myself and a VERY slight buzz from the thimbleful of gin in my gin and tonic.  


We were posers.  We were infiltrators.  And we definitely had a nasty case of burner ADHD.  We got hit on by frat boys in Jesus rope sandals, watched the fetish fashion show that included goggles and respirators (WTF?  Why would you need googles or respirators?  Is that to keep the pee out of your eyes?), and watched a girl be suspended with 4 hooks in her back (which was, admittedly, kind of cool).

We did run into a burner friend who informed us that "the good stuff" happens at the hotel post-event.  Well, fuck. That information was NOT on the website.  However, our friend's penis WAS wearing a tuxedo which was something of a highlight.

She and I left feeling somehat disappointed, a little bored, and wicked proud of ourselves for going.  I was a little disappointed that we didn't get to trot out our cover story of being monogamous lesbians but perhaps another time.

Although I don't think I'll go again, I'm glad I went.  I have a better idea of what that group is all about and am quite sure that I ended up with the right people at the lunch table.  Burn on blinky blinky.