Checking Out

<Originally posted elsewhere on August 13th, 2008>


I always thought I had a fairly good understanding of suicide.  While I was working on my bachelor's, I had a fair amount of exposure to it from a clinical/intellectual angle.  I understood the difference between normal semi-suicidal thoughts vs. ideation. 

What a textbook could never teach me is the emotional impact of someone in my life voluntarily opting out.  Intellectually, you can know that there will be fallout and collateral damage.  Emotionally, you think you know it will unequivocally suck and that there's nothing you can really do about it. 

The truth of it is that I honestly had no idea how far reaching Aaron's suicide would be.  For days, my brain stayed in this loop of trying to process why someone... why HE... would kill himself.  My mind continuously played the conversation with his mom over and over like a record that just won't stop skipping. 

At times, it was maddening.  Because I just wanted to forget about it and I couldn't.  Like most things, there was a duality to this.  I didn't want to forget about it because then I'd have to remember all over again and the pain would come anew.  My brain couldn't figure HOW to process this.  I think that's why I was stuck in a loop.  I can't say for sure that I do know how to process something so awful, but I know that I've accepted it.    


I am fortunate to have such loving and caring people in my life.  So many of my friends reached out to me and offered support.  What I found shocking was the number of those people who had experienced this type of loss first hand.  Up until two weeks ago, suicide was largely only a concept for me.  Now it's a reality. 

As trauma usually does, it's starting to fade.  It's becoming absorbed by the landscape of my life and merging into the background.

Although this is a reality I'd rather not have, I'm trying to use this experience as a reminder.  A wake-up call.  Religious beliefs aside, the only guarantee you have is the life you're in *right now*.  Try not to fuck it up.  Try to be the best person you can be.  Do things to make yourself happy. 

This is not a dress rehearsal.  We are live, baby.