Do You Pay Your Bills With Blowjobs?

<Originally posted elsewhere on May 22nd, 2008>

• It never ceases to amaze me how poorly people can run their businesses.  Or rather, how uninterested people seem in the fact that I WANT TO PAY YOU FOR YOUR SERVICES. 

  
  

  Several weeks ago, I contacted the head of a local burner entertainment group to see about bringing them to my housewarming party.  They do a lot of gigs for free in the burner community so I made sure to specifically state that I wanted to pay them.  I needed the head honcho to come out to my house to see what we could accomodate in terms of space for a DJ, lighting and fire spinners.  We exchanged several emails including when we're hoping to do the party (late September) and the fact that one of his other staff would have to oversee things because he would still be on playa clean-up.  I told him it's not extraordinarily urgent but that I would like him to come out soon so I can get an idea of how much to budget for entertainment.  He said he would call me later in the week and come by. 

  
  

  No dice. 

  
  

  So, this week I sent another email reminding him that I am still interested in his group for my party and that I need him to come by so we can discuss space and budget.  His recollection of talking to me before is somewhat sketchy and he doesn't seem to remember much about our previous conversation. 

  
  

  *sigh* 

  
  

  I contacted a landscaper from Craigslist this week who specifically stated that he does free estimates.  I need an estimate on how much it's going to cost to get my yard cleaned up so I know if I can do this soon or if I need to save up. 

  
  

  He sounded like he'd just put the bowl or the PBR down (it was hard to tell) but I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt.  I carefully explained that we'd purchased a foreclosed home that had been vacant for quite some time so we needed clean-up and some simple landscape design. 

  
  

  He asked where I was located and I told him.  He said "That's awfully far."  I agreed that yes, yes it is far and if it's too far, all he has to do is say so. 

  
  

  He agreed to come to my house the next day at 11 a.m.  all the while continuing to reiterate that it was far.  I gave him very specific directions on how to get here and told him to make sure he follows the directions because our house does not appear on maps or GPS.  He called me several hours later asking me to email him pictures of my house.  I was mid-shopping for ceiling fans at Lowe's and a bit annoyed that he was asking for such things.  Apologetically, I lied and said that we hadn't yet unpacked our camera.  Again, we confirmed our meeting time and hung up. 

  
  

  He called a half hour later to ask what my budget was.  I told him that was precisely WHY I needed an estimate - I DON'T KNOW.  He continued to press for a number and again mentioned how far it was.  I told him I would have to speak to J about it and would call him back.  J and I quickly conversed and I called him back to tell him we were hoping to spend $1000 or less.  He seemed satisfied and we again confirmed our meeting time. 

  
  

  Tuesday morning, at 11:30 a.m., he calls me and tells me where he is and it's another 20 minutes from my house.  Really?!?!?!?!  Fucking really?!?!?!  He's already a half hour late and he's STILL another 20 or so minutes from my house.  He was almost an hour late.  Which is slightly more acceptable at the doctor's office but a fucking landscaper?  Bitch, please.  

  
  

  So, like the fucktard he apparently is, he proceeds to half-assed guess at the directions to my house which was a clear indication that he didn't even take the time to write them down yesterday.

  
  

  *waving the white flag*  I give up.  Fucktards unite and take over the world.  I'm just going to hunker down in my corner and hope that semi-intelligent people discover me at some point.  I'm just going to revel in my expensive tea and 50-cent words and hope for the best.   

  
  

  I suppose this has been the week of stupid.  The party thing is stupid.  The landscape thing is stupid.  And I had yet another close encounter with stupid last night.  

  
  

  My mother flies into town tonight.  She called me last night in a near panic because she and stepdad were nowhere near home so they couldn't check in on their Southwest flight to get the A-boarding group.  (Because, you know, if you don't get in the A-boarding group, Southwest cuts up the rest of the boarding group into little pieces and feeds them to the A-group passengers...  that's why it pays to sit at your computer and check in ON THE DOT.  Mmmm... chewy.)   

  
  

  She asks me to get online and check in for her.  I start to say "Mom, I'm not sure if I can because-..." when I am interrupted by "WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHY NOT, I DID IT FOR YOU." 

  I took a breath and started over and said "Mom, listen.  It IS 24 hours before your flight there.  I'm two hours behind you so it probably won't let me check in." 

  
  

  As I suspected, Southwest would not let me check in which again put my parents perilously close to being Southwest Super Snacks.  I tell her that if I weren't going to work shortly, I would be happy to check them in at the appropriate time.  She says they'll try to figure something else out and hangs up. 

  
  

  The next phone call comes about 5 minutes later when she suggests that I CHANGE THE TIME ON MY COMPUTER so that Southwest will let me check them in.  I almost start to giggle uncontrollably before I gain composure and explain to her that they probably track ISP and can tell that I am not logging in from Missouri.  She seems relatively unsatisfied but hangs up. 

  She calls another minute or so later to tell me that they've solved the problem - stepdad's brother can get online and check them in.  Can I give her their confirmation number?  Sure.  I do that and resume eating dinner. 

  
  

  The last phone call comes in as I'm chewing on the last bite.  "How will we get to the airport," she says.  Umm.  What?  I ask her what she means and she says that the shuttle requires them to show a boarding pass before taking them to the airport.  I encourage creative thinking and problem solving skills by saying "Gosh, Mom, I don't know.  Sorry I can't help." 

  
  

  It has truly been one of those weeks where I could have justified happy hour at any given moment of the day.  I saw client C last night who was having a shit-tastic week as well and she tried to convince me to go out with her for coconut margaritas after our session.  Wouldn't you know, last night was atypical as my 4:30 client had rescheduled to 6:45 so I had one more session to go and could NOT go out for 'ritas.  And wouldn't you know, my 6:45 client no-showed. 

  
  

  Somewhere out there, somebody downed a coconut 'rita that should'a been mine.