I have to admit, I was a little excited and definitely intrigued when I heard about the new show called How To Look Good Naked on Lifetime (yes, I know. It's only ONE show. Hail Mary, Hail Mary, Jesus, David, Goliath, I'll give half my earnings to the church - are we cool now?)
The show's premise (or at least, as it was advertised) is helping women deal with body image and self esteem. The show implied that it would be focusing mainly on larger women and that the show itself was "revolutionary". The show's host is Carson Kressely, a man who is so gay he could define an entirely new sexual orientation (uber-gay?).
I saw the preview and thought "Cool! I'm a chick. I've had body image issues quite literally all of my life (My umbilical cord was SO fat in utero) and this will be a great show for me."
Not so fast, Chubby McChubberstein.
The show was something of a raging disappointment. In the first episode, Carson (in all of his super cool and fashionably hip gayness) sat down with the first victim and talked about why she didn't like her body. He then led her to a three way mirror and had her look at herself in her bra and underwear. As the poor girl cried, Carson soothed her with terribly comforting phrases like "There's so much to love here!" (See? More evidence that the writer's strike needs to end.)
She was led to a white cloth covered stage that I swear was rented out from the Dove commercials and also present were six other girls wearing only bras and panties. So, of course, one thing led to another and soon it was a naked, writhing, self-hating girl-on-girl orgy. (Not really.) The girls were lined up from smallest to largest (the poor, poor girl on the "largest" end) and the victim was asked to place herself where she thought she fit in, size-wise.
Shockingly, she overestimated the size of her body. Wouldn't you? Would it not be the penultimate of humilating to have Cowboy Gay shake his head disapprovingly and say "No sweetie, you belong over here. With Fat Chicks-R-Us."
He then had her meet with "The Bra Whisperer" who helped her find appropriately fitting undergarments. Post bra-whispering, they hit the mall to find cute and appropriately flattering garments. The final step is when he takes her to a photo shoot where she gets all gussied up with hair and make-up and Carson naughtily suggestes that she "GO NUDE!". (I want to note that I am still working on my own issues being naked and it would be really helpful if I never again had to hear Carson Kressely say "GO NUDE" like he's looking at a juicy steak.) The victim, of course, relents because c'mon, it's the impossibly Queer Eye talking.
The second episode was EXACTLY THE SAME. The second episode was nearly identical except it was a different average-sized girl.
Maybe it's too early in the season to be so nit-picky, but so far, Sergeant Fudgepacker has only had cute, average-sized women to be in his show. Where are the uggos (as Edward would say)? Where are the women who are special ordering their clothing and not leaving their homes?
Don't get me wrong - I think helping women with body image is something that needs to happen on a massive scale in this country. There's definitely something to be said for loving who you are the way you are, but accomplishing that through superficial means is questionable at best. A piece-of-shit car with a new paint job (ghetto orange perhaps?) LOOKS better, but the functionality of the car remains unchanged.
I guess the issue here is that watching women sit in therapy to discuss their flawed core beliefs would be boring television (actually, I would SO watch that). Apparently, it's far more entertaining to watch them struggle in and out of ill-fitting underwear and roll around for a "naked" photo shoot while a fancy sheet covers all the naughty bits. (I have been party to a naked photo shoot and trust me - there was no sheet involved.)
So, Carson and Lifetime - you've let me down. Instead of truly empowering women, you've given them new titty-holders and a fresh coat of make-up. Good job. You guys are truly ahead of the curve. I can't wait to see the next beauty endeavor which will no doubt be a show about weight loss featuring grapefruit juice and laxatives. Thank goodness we have such powerful media forces looking out for our best interests. I feel so lucky to be a woman in our society. I suppose I ought to dust off my laxatives and grapefruit juice so I can be ready for the next "revolution."
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