<Originally posted elsewhere on October 30th, 2008>
When I was a little girl, I was in love with Orphan Annie (no, not in a gross way - c'mon, I was 8!) and used to think that maybe I was an orphan and someday my rich, well-adjusted parents would come and rescue me. Sadly, Daddy Warbucks never showed and as an adult, I continue to wonder how I could possibly share DNA with most of the people I call relatives. It's frightening.
On my father's side...
There's dear old dad who never quite got over the fact that my mom left HIM (wasn't supposed to go down like that) and consequently ruined his relationship with me because I reminded him too much of his ex-wife. He was also a demanding, narcissistic control freak who suggested I do Jazzercise so I could look more like his girlfriend. I ended our relationship when I was 16 and rebuffed all of his attempts to contact me since.
There's my uncle Jack who delighted in hunting, hockey and cheating on my Aunt Betty. I don't know that he ever finished a complete sentence and communicated mostly by grunting.
My Aunt Betty was actually a really wonderful soul. She had a pretty advanced case of MS and was never in the best of health. My father often dumped me in her lap on Friday nights during his visitation because he had symphony tickets he couldn't bear to sell. I have fond memories of watching scary movies and eating pizza rolls with her.
My cousin Jennifer married an abusive truck driver, had two children and proceeded to eat herself into oblivion. She wasn't a bad person per se but the ease with which she settled into white-trash-land was unsettling.
For a while, my cousin Mark was the star of the family. He played hockey, got perfect grades and got a full scholarship to college. At some point, he dropped out of college and became a non-person in our family because that's what happened when you did anything wrong.
And then there was my Grandmother. Impossibly German, tethered to her antiquated ways (she never learned to drive because it wasn't lady-like), and unable to separate my relationship with my father from our relationship as she effectively disowned me when she received an invite to my wedding and my father did not. She passed away a couple years ago and needless to say, I felt no obligation to acknowledge it.
And on my mother's side...
My mom. She can be narrow-minded, stubborn and downright selfish but I love her all the same. Good, bad, or indifferent, we raised each other after the divorce and she's never left my side.
My mom's half-sister Jackie... She and my mom never got along all that well. If you ever watched Good Morning America in the early 80's, chances are good that you saw my aunt's boobs on TV. She was one of the first to bring a lawsuit against Dow because of cancer caused by silicone breast implants. I'm pretty sure soap operas have modeled characters after her because she's truly one of the most conniving, maniuplative and odious people I've ever come across. She's also BFF's with my father which is kind of a no-no when there's been a nasty divorce with your sister.
Jackie has two children - Scott and Jessica. I never had a bad relationship with either of them but didn't feel terribly important when neither of them could be bothered to RSVP yes or no to my wedding. Scott and I reconnected a couple of years ago and that was sort of nice. However, Scott is a salesman by trade and you have to remember that when you talk to him. There's always an angle. And actually, that's true of both of them.
And then there's my uncle Mike who has lord knows how many children out there and has hardly any cartilage left in face thanks to too much nose candy. He was on an upswing there for a while with a new job, new car, and newly married. However, he now has a stash of guns and pot in his house and is currently addicted to painkillers.
Aside from my mom, my Grandma was the only other biological relative that I truly loved. She and my mom had a rather volatile relationship but it never interfered with ours. Gram passed away unexpectedly a year and a half ago. Losing her was unbelievably difficult because I just wasn't prepared to say goodbye and her death has left me with just my mom. I still miss her very much.
Gram named my mom as the executor of her will. Still grieving, my poor mom had to deal with the arduous task of executing Gram's will and wrapping up her personal affairs. She invited all of her siblings and all of the grandchildren to be as involved in that process as they wanted to be. Mom distributed things pretty equally among all of us since Gram didn't leave a lot of instruction. It took her nearly six months to get the house sold, take care of final arrangements, and close her accounts.
My cousin Jessica recently called her pretending to ask how I liked the college I went to because her son is planning to go there. My mom suggested she talk to me (yeah, ya think?) and then she pulled a "Oh, while I've got you on the phone..." and proceeded to ask for the spreadsheets of Gram's estate because she wanted to make sure that Jackie got her fair share.
Blood out of a turnip, I tell you.
The week that Gram died, I organized a dinner with all of us at Gram's favorite restaurant. As we all sat around the table, I tried to think of the last time we'd all been together. And I think it was never. Someone was always missing. Someone was always pissed at someone else. I can't think of a time when there was never bad blood between at least two people. While it was sort of nice to have everyone together, I knew it wouldn't last.
My mom and uncle have become allies against Jackie. My mother is angry at Jessica for asking for the spreadsheets. Jackie is angry with my mom because she didn't get more money from Gram's estate. Mike is angry at Jackie for being a bitch. Scott and Jessica are disappointed that Gram didn't specifically leave certain things to them (she didn't leave anything specific for me either).
This is 90% of the reason I will NEVER live in my hometown again. Too much baggage, too much bad blood, too much bullshit and the inevitability of unwanted relatives knocking on my door is way too high. There isn't much incentive to try with any of those people and that is why I am content to let them go. I just wish my mom could do the same.
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