Letting Your Loins Do The Talking

There is a part of me that is fascinated by infidelity.  Mostly because I don't understand it.  I see the same story time and time again...  Partner feels neglected in relationship.  Partner has (or seeks) an "opportunity."  Partner either confesses or is discovered.  The relationship is changed forever.  


Perhaps I just drink out of the other side of the teacup but this seems to be far more work than simply talking things out with your partner and working to change it.  I do realize that things are often not that simplistic but even still, cheating and lying (and infinitely changing the fabric of the relationship) seems more emotionally difficult.  Besides, sins of the flesh are morally expensive.  


Is it truly about sex?  Is it about not feeling loved?  Is it about validation that we are worthwhile and/or attractive?  And above all of that, where is the awareness?  Ultimately, I find it disappointing that people give in to carnal pleasures (which are fleeting) rather than examining themselves and the situation to find out what problem-solving can be done.  And, I want to believe that we, as thinking rational human beings, are capable of making intelligent decisions that go beyond our genitals.  


This is especially true in poly situations.  People overstep boundaries all of the time and I find that difficult to watch.  Boundaries are established to make both parties feel safe and if one person violates that because the ego jumped in the driver's seat for a few minutes....  Really?  


I suppose I should mention that I am perhaps a bit abnormal when it comes to sex.  I can appreciate eye candy as much as the next person (and even make construction-site-worthy comments) BUT having sex with said candy is another story entirely.  There needs to be a connection beyond the instant-crotch-messaging.  And it needs to be real.  "Omg, you like Nirvana too, let's fuck" does not qualify as real for me.  (I will note that I am a bit envious of people who can be more free with their sexuality.  I would guess there's something positive for the soul about being so sexually open.  There have been brief moments in my life where I thought I was capable of such things but they have been so short-lived that I never actually tested it out.)


There was a moment in my life, years ago, where I was precariously perched on my moral high ground.  It was in my first same-sex relationship and we were madly in love.  She had come to visit for a week and we were firmly inside that new relationship bubble where not much else exists.  She was married and had established boundaries with her husband prior to visiting.  Sex with me was okay but she was not permitted to go there with my husband.  This boundary was respected until about halfway through her visit.  


The three of us had gone out for dinner.  After a delicious meal and too many margaritas, we returned to my house and things started to happen.  Partially drunk on tequila and partially drunk on a strange brew of love and lust, I ignored that nagging feeling that this wasn't a good idea.  I did my best to banish those thoughts.  Until I couldn't anymore.  At that point, boundaries had already been crossed but I started to feel horribly guilty.  She assured me that it would be fine and she would take care of it.  As much as I wanted to believe her, I didn't.  And it wasn't at all fine.  


The repercussions were awful.  Her husband was furious as he had every right to be.  My mid-20-something brain was caught between trying to be respectful of his feelings yet not wanting to sully the magic of the week we'd spent together.  He demanded that we break up, he sent me nasty emails and he repeatedly called my house and hung up.  We did not break up but it was a very dark period of our lives together.  


Once it had been addressed as much as it possibly could be (and there is a point where it really cannot be addressed further and it's up to the "victim" to process and move on), I decided that I would never again put myself or anyone else in that situation.  To this day, I become terribly anxious when I see things happening that shouldn't and I will often physically remove myself from the situation.  My codependent brain starts ticking on overdrive and it becomes a force of will to stop thinking about it.  


In a book I read recently, the author termed infidelity as "a violation of human connection."  I find that to be such a succinct definition of it.  And sadly...  I think people often think that connection happens downstairs rather than upstairs.