I never realized how important the progression of a relationship is to me until I was in one that very certainly, unmistakably hit a ceiling. It was, again, my first same-sex relationship and once the fury of the NRE, the hustle and bustle of her relocating to my city from the east coast, and the general "OMG, we're actually together-together now" died down, reality began to set in and I started to understand that without growth, things die.
I also began to truly understand that without the cooperation and support of our spouses, we would find ourselves stuck, our noses pressed up against a pane of glass that wasn't going anywhere.
The hows and whys are unimportant to this topic but things began to fall apart about a year into our relationship. My husband was still mostly supportive of my relationship (he felt that she wasn't treating me terribly well) but he was disillusioned with her and no longer wished to spend time with the two of us. Her husband and I went through several periods of trying to reconnect until finally settling into a destructive pattern of doing our best to pretend the other didn't exist. The friendship between the guys had soured long ago. She and I were on an island and there really wasn't much to eat.
Simply being together was a struggle. Spending time with me became a power struggle with her husband. I deeply missed the times when we were able to be with each other and our spouses without stomping on eggshells. It was heart-breaking, educational, and exhausting.
Without any room to grow and very limited air, my interest in staying in the relationship began to dwindle. The love was still there but the respect and compatibility were fading fast. It was a paradox to feel suffocated by something that was so important to me. The end was definitely in sight and it was just a matter of when I chose to acknowledge it.
I compare all of that to my poly dynamic now. Edward, Stuart, and I have been in a vee for 5 years at the end of this month. It hasn't really occurred to me until recently that there might be a ceiling. And upon further reflection, I'd say it's more of a rain fly. While we have no plans in the immediate future to combine households, I can't say it's out of the question. Most importantly, I'd say that any important plans definitely include all three of us and that, perhaps, is the major difference.
The guys have a deep love and respect for each other and the respective relationships. When Stuart and I are out enjoying a nice meal, we miss Edward because he's such a foodie. When Edward and I were out on our planned "date" in The Netherlands, we missed Stuart while we were enjoying beers on a patio because the three of had enjoyed doing that together previously on the trip.
Edward is easily the Poster Husband of Poly. On Stuart's birthday while we were in Europe, he was packing my things so I had the time and the freedom to go celebrate with Stuart in the naughtiest of ways. I came back to our stateroom with a bundle of clothes under my arm to find most of my things packed and ready for disembarkation the following morning. On days when I've felt overwhelmed and consequently depressed by the demands of loving two people, he's snuggled me, stroked my hair, and suggested I go live with Stuart full time for a while.
I suppose the moral to this story is that ceilings aren't necessarily part of the package. Sometimes it's more like a rain fly. And those come off pretty easily.
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