35... Going on 80

I don't do resolutions.  I don't "turn over a new leaf" come January.  And I don't make lame proclamations that THIS is the year I will <fill in the blank>.  


However, there's been a concept that's been floating around in my head for some time that's just finally come together in a cohesive thought.  And it's my new philosophy.  


I worry too much about what other people think.  I worry too much about what I think.  I wonder if the mailman thinks I'm a perv.  I wonder if people at Walmart think I'm a hoarder because I buy 6 boxes of Kleenex at a time.  When purchasing new deodorant, I try to do my sniffing inconspicuously so people don't think I have a problem.     


Getting off the I'm-concerned-with-everyone's-opinion-of-me-including-people-I-don't-like train is no easy task.  I don't care how old you are - no one wants to be the creepy kid eating lunch by him/herself. 


However, it's not healthy, it's time-consuming and it's a killer of stuff-doing because you fear looking silly.  


So, my detour around such ruminations is to ask myself: What would I do when I'm 80?  


When I'm 80, I will fart audibly and unapologetically in Walgreens.  I will gleefully present my AARP card to get discounts.  I will fake frailty to get priority boarding on airplanes.  I will wear hot pink hats to dinner because I FEEL LIKE IT.  I will fling my dentures at my dining companion because it's funny.  I will plant a hair from my head in my food and claim it's a pube to get a free meal.  I will use and abuse my age as much as possible but above all, I will do whatever the hell I want.  Why?  Because I'm 80.       


I think it's karmically acceptable to "borrow" my 80-year-old-ness a little early.  If I'm senile at 80, then I'll be happy not to have wasted it.  I won't have to write pithy essays about all the things I wish I knew when I was younger.  I won't bemoan the fact that "youth is wasted on the young."  I will bask in the fact that I borrowed my sass and used it well.  I will gloat that I did the things I wanted to do while I still could.  


Now go away.  I need to watch my stories.