I hate being wrong. Or more accurately, I love being right. You'd think, as an adult with many "adult experiences" under my belt, I'd be a little more lax with the whole being right thing. But, no. This is one of those areas where the five year old continues to thrive inside of me.
Perhaps I fear not being taken seriously. I remember acutely how it feels not to be taken seriously. So maybe, the more tally marks I can accumulate under being right, the higher my You-Should-Take-Me-Seriously score will be.
I find it the most difficult to control myself with my partners and this is not a good thing. I've read the therapy books about "letting go of being right" and I TOTALLY AGREE. It just causes problems. If adult-brain could just put child-brain down for a nap during those times, it would be smooth sailing. But it becomes almost a compulsion. That last bit of information that proves I was right sticks like a thorn in my side until I pull it out in a fairly embarrassingly triumphant way to claim my last bit of rightful victory.
Do I really win anything? No. Cognitively, intellectually, I know this. Emotionally, I get a tick mark on the I'm-A-Valid-Human-Being scoreboard. Except, there is no I'm-A-Valid-Human-Being scoreboard. So even beyond the evidence, I still recognize that there's no real prize at the bottom of the box. What the fuck?
During a somewhat emotional conversation, a friend recently said "I'd be willing to scrap with you but I'm not sure I'd come out alive. You have a very strong do-not-fuck-with-me aura about you." While statements like these always surprise me a little bit, I am aware that I can come off as a pretty strong person. I have been described as intimidating and while I have a hard time seeing that in myself, I accept that others do. You'd think someone who apparently wields as much psychic power as I do would not worry so much about which specific childhood acting role made Jason Bateman famous.
I suspect it has something to do with marrying a very strong person. He's louder than I am, quicker than I am, and could successfully cross examine the pope into admitting that he fudged a miracle. In short, he's a tough opponent. While I mostly consider the two of us a team, we do go head-to-head fairly often in both The Mundane and The Important. Disagreeing with him is a stressful venture because I am nowhere near as good at making my case as he is and also because my emotions often go into cruise control and take the nearest exit known as Oh Great, She's Crying Now. So perhaps I try to gain leverage wherever I can in order to boost myself up a little bit the next time
Which, really, is illogical. There is no carryover. There is no video game score floating above my head to announce that I have more Validation Points for the next argument. (Although, I would kind of like that. Measuring and organization of points appeals to my OCD.) I know this. Somewhere, in my adult brain that pays bills and owns property, I know this.
However, Jason Bateman's first significant role was Little House On The Prairie. I knew it.
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