Burning Me

For many, Burning Man is an opportunity to let loose and let the proverbial hair down (or for some, let the junk air out for a week).  For me, it's something of a test to prove that I can in fact do this.  I can survive in the desert for a week and remain nourished, hydrated and marginally sane.  Mostly.  This may not sound like an accomplishment for those that run screaming to the playa with their Red Bulls in one hand and a handful of ecstasy in the other.  I get that others see it as an escape, a grown-up playground, and chance for reinvention.  I just have difficulty applying that to myself.    


Perhaps if I could take a new set of neuroses, hang-ups, and quirks with me, it would feel more like a reinvention.  But I take me.  And regardless of whether I'm snuggled safely in my bed or forcibly removing playa from my body with a baby wipe, I'm still me.  At Burning Man, I'm still the person who gets cranky when people move my cheese, bitchy when I'm not sleeping enough, and stabby when I get too hungry.  I do my best to prevent these things *all* the time.  Which means that on the playa, I try to hide my cheese so that others cannot touch it, I go to bed before the party has ended, and I make myself eat even when I don't feel like it.  In other words, at what some call "the greatest party on earth" I'm still a fucking square.  (Incidentally, I will punch the first person who suggests I take a bite out of my dusty cheese.)    


In real life, these things work for me.  They help me tolerate the jackassery in the world and I'm able to function in a mostly productive manner.  And there lies my conundrum...  how in the world does one go about reinvention when you've already got they keys to the castle?  Do I experiment with sleep deprivation?  Snack on mushrooms instead of hummus?  Decide that a small container of greek yogurt will TOTALLY get me through until dinner?  Make an intentional bad decision?  Deliberately step on a relationship boundary?  What's a stable mostly well adjusted girl to do?  And why does reinvention have to be so expensive?   


Every year, I step foot on the playa with a resolution to simply do more.  See more.  Experience more.  But, the reality of my time there is that I find myself fighting dehydration, sleep deprivation, sensory overload, dustiness to an incomprehensible level, and depression.  Keeping all of that in check makes pushing additional boundaries rather out of the question because I already feel my boundaries are pushed.  My boundaries feel pushed to the point of having my underwear pulled up over my head and sitting uncomfortably in Super Mega Wedgie Land.  And I'm not a masochist (usually) so to further flick the envelope seems just cruel. 


A friend recently posted something about managing Burning Man expectations.  I find that I never have as much fun as I think I'm going to have.  But after it's all over, I realize I had more fun than I thought.  This doesn't really parse cognitively but it's what I experience.  


I'm open to suggestions about reinvention or new ways to do Burning Man.  But if you touch my cheese, I will cut you.