Sex, Skittles and the Poly Paradox of Fair

It's something that's on my mind frequently although I am often thinking about it in a greater-scheme sort of way.  More recently, I've been examining my own attitudes about it and attempting to understand not only how I feel but also why.  


I hold a fair amount of socially liberal attitudes.  Recreational drug use is fine, marrying your best friend, dog or favorite vehicle should be permitted, and I think unconventional families are fabulous.  However, I hold sex in a somewhat different regard.  


Despite the appearances of my dramatic sitcom "My Two Husbands", I'm fairly conservative about sex.  Sometimes my attitudes protect me and sometimes they annoy me, but they are unquestionably me.  


Getting back to basics, my mother was uncharacteristically open about sex.  She always propped the door open for me to talk about it and there was a veritable parade of men marching through our apartment.  The parade also brought much drama and heartache.  I paid attention and decided fairly early on I wanted no part of that.  To matters more interestingly confusing, I wanted there to be a clear separation between my mother and myself which is why I clung like a drunk sorority girl to my neo-Puritan values.  I certainly didn't save myself for marriage (that's just crazy talk), but I married my second sexual partner.  And although polyness and my unconventional social life have brought a number of new sexual experiences my way, I still remain firmly judicious about with whom I partake and under what circumstances.   


Although it is not my natural inclination to seek out new experiences, the nuts and bolts of our poly paradigm make it that much more difficult.  With a few exceptions, physical contact with a new person must be cleared with each partner.  So, before I make out with Potential Bad Decision, I must go chat with Edward and Stuart.  I must address their concerns all the while keeping my own codependency on a short leash.  And then, if Potential Bad Decision is still available and has not moved onto You're Cuter Now That I'm High, I may proceed.  Post make-out, I must check-in with both Edward and Stuart and process their feelings, my feelings and the impact of all of this on the 2012 presidential campaign.  Most of the time, it hardly seems worth it.


Don't get me wrong - I think our methods are the most ethical way for our family to proceed and I completely admit that your mileage may vary.  This is what we've decided works for us and if left to my own devices, I would probably structure it the exact same way.  It just makes the spontaneity nearly impossible.  And again, with a few exceptions, I'm okay with that.  


I like sex very much but am rarely sexually attracted to people.  I've concluded that this is probably not terribly normal.  So many things need to be in place before I am remotely interested in allowing someone into the Holy Lady Garden.  Stuart has said on more than one occasion that I address his bisexual side (meaning that I am, in many respects, a guy) but this is one area where I am unfailingly female.  I don't necessarily need Fabio, candles or rose petals on the bed.  But I do at a minimum require the illusion that you are a good person, would never kick an animal and that you would ask me before eating the last Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.  It sounds fairly simple but my vetting process is the equivalent of a menopausal Jewish woman - cranky and suspicious.  


In terms of my poly ecosystem, sex has presented some interesting challenges.  Maintaining two sexual relationships is a test of my internal processes.  Two separate sex lives will never be equal.  And for a codependent person, this is very difficult.  I have learned (and am still learning) that sex cannot be doled out like red Skittles.  Sometimes somebody gets more.  And sometimes somebody eats the whole package.  As the mayor of Fair Town, I find this rather uncomfortable.  I suppose we could forgo the sex thing entirely and just eat the exact same number of red Skittles but eventually, someone's going to want a green one.  


I find myself actively working on just letting things be but get tripped up on the oxymoron.  I often feel compelled to have sex with one partner simply because I had sex with the other in order to somehow balance an imaginary orgasmic teeter-totter.  I know neither partner would want this but yet again, we've arrived at the Red Skittle Conundrum.  


Neither partner has indicated having a problem with this and I accept that this is all a product of my neuroses.  Intellectually, I know that at times, you have to stomp on the Moral Compass of Fair and allow things to be what they are assuming everyone is okay with it.  My brain knows this and is continually trying to chloroform the "But...but...but" that comes from the heart. 


Perhaps I should stick to candy that is all the same color.