At some point, I accepted my lack of coolness. Which I why I carry around a personal fan. (And now that I think about it, that may have more to do with peri-menopause.)
In kid-land, being cool was uber important. It was the life or death of your social status and it was probably fair to say that mine was on life support. And oddly enough, once I was far removed from lunch tables, lockers, and student council elections, I still coveted the "coolness".
I was never able to grasp the concept of being cool as an adult except that I knew I wanted it but didn't have it. And this was annoying. I had a car, a mortgage, cats that hadn't died, co-pay money, and "adult responsibility." Yet, I was still classifying myself as decidedly not cool AND there was no discernible way for me to become cool.
This type of thinking reminds me that regardless of how many wrinkles we have (or don't have because we've Botoxed them away), we're never all that far from that lost kid in the lunchroom looking for a place to sit.
What I also find interesting is how radically my concepts of cool have changed. In the early years, it was having a Liz Claiborne purse, not having glasses the size of my face, and being invited to everything. Now, much of it has to do with the amount of blinky and furry per square inch on your outfit (And I did the blinky/furry thing thing for a while. But eventually, apathy won. Apathy always wins my elections. Even if I don't vote. Which is the really beautiful thing about apathy. You don't HAVE to vote.)
So, even though apathy tends to be my soup du jour, there's still a part of me that wants to be cool. Except, there's a problem. Aside from entering sparkle-pony land (which becomes much easier the higher you are on the blinky/furry continuum), I don't know what that is. So, essentially, I want something that I can neither define in any concrete tangible way or even describe to a blind person. That. Is. Fabulous.
And so I swing in my Hammock of The Undefined. Not a geek because I have a low tolerance for trolls, RPG's, and an impatience for people who think that having a fleshed out gaming character somehow erases social awkwardness. Not a sparkle pony because again, I have a raging case of The Apathy. Not really a dork either... well, I had to look that one up. And apparently it can mean a slow-witted person, a penis, or someone who is silly "at times." I tend to be quick on the draw, have never identified as a penis and would classify myself as silly more than "at times." You, dear reader, are welcome to draw conclusions as you see fit. I'd happily draw them for you, but the apathy wins again.
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