The End of Nothing

When I was in college and a big project or paper was due, I cleaned my apartment first.  I never really thought about why I did this but I suppose the taunting of dirty dishes and clutter were enough to distract my mind from the necessary state school level productivity.  Or possibly, it's what I call "productive procrastination."    


I like the end of things.  As in, getting all my work done so that I can play unencumbered with adult responsibilities, obligations to others, and possibly unbrushed hair.  


This presents a problem in real life.  There is no end other than the one where you're the filling of a dirt sandwich.  Until you take that final gasping breath of "Rosebud", there isn't a final glorifying moment of "Okay, NOW I'm done."  


This annoys me.  


For much of my life, people have encouraged me to "enjoy the journey and not focus on the destination."  It's good advice although admittedly, when I hear this now, I primarily want to enjoy the journey of watching them roll down Lombard Street in a shopping cart.   


So, let's be honest.  I suck at "enjoying the journey."  There, I said it.  As much as I try to be zen about the motherfucking journey, my brain just isn't wired that way.  It isn't how I roll, unless of course, we're talking about an annoying person in a shopping cart whizzing down Lombard Street.  I want to do things once.  And I want to do them once in the most effective and practical way.  And then I want to be done with those things.  Forever.  


Maybe the core of this is my laziness.  Or maybe it's the heart of my depression.  Or maybe it was that I embraced the model of "if you do your homework, you can go out and play" a little too much.  Doesn't really matter.  Because this is who I am now and trying to force myself into an artificial "live in the now" state of mind is just as confusing as a cow on Astroturf.  


I struggle with trying to reconcile this almost primeval inclination with the realities of life.  They go together like cheese and fish - which is, kind of but not really.  It's hard to amend a personality trait that appeals to me.  I like working hard followed by playing hard.  I like that feeling of a Pavlovian reward after a job well done.  Except that afterwards, there's... oh yeah.  Today.  


My best attempt at making this unlikely marriage work is remembering that I can do this in the short term.  It works within the space of a day, maybe two.  But long term... not so much.  There will be more doctor appointments, more dentist appointments, more car repairs to be done, more fixing of stuff that breaks.  


(Maybe this is where a healthy dose of Jesus comes in handy?  The whole "there's a greater purpose to this all" thing where I just accept that I'm spinning my wheels continuously for the hope of being able to float on a cloud and eat calorie free buttercream cupcakes.  I wish.)  


Despite my inclination to always constantly think ahead, I really DO try to take things day by day.  But I will keep a shopping cart at the ready just in case.