Equal Parts

I'm not a good bartender.  Or a good cook.  I can follow a recipe and make something that tastes alright but I do not have that innate ability to eyeball measurements.  I have multiple measuring spoons and cups in my kitchen.  Occasionally I cheat and use the big soup spoons, but I almost never pour almond milk into my chai without measuring it first.  


Consequently, I've found managing two relationships simultaneously to be challenging.  Because time and energy are finite, you cannot feed and water them the same.  Additionally, one might need more food and less water and the other might prefer to be scooted out of direct sunlight.  


This weekend marks 5 years that Stuart, Edward and I have been making this work.  A stable poly situation for 5 years!  We should get a prize.  But I would settle for a gold star.  Or a margarita.  On the rocks with salt, please.   


One of the most difficult aspects of our lives is reconciling the fact that the relationships will not be equal nor the same.  I tend to be a fair-minded person along with my fruity codependent topping so this has been something of a trial.  Plus, I am a master of projection along with trying to stay atop decent person-hood and treating others the way I would want to be treated.  Strangely enough, not everybody wants hot fudge on their ice cream or spankings in bed.  Who knew? 


There is this emphasis in poly on being fair.  You get to do xyz so I must get to do the same (even if I hate xyz and we haven't spoken in years).  I have learned that the sandbox rules don't necessarily apply.  


Things are not usually equal.  One relationship may have more fights while the other has more sex.  One relationship may have more giggles while the other is struggling with disconnection.  As the pivotal person in my poly-verse, this is hard.  Really hard.  There's the fruity codependence AND it's distant and ethnically different cousin, GUILT.  There's an inherent desire of wanting to give everyone the same amount of ice cream.  But, I only have so much and life just doesn't roll that way (plus, some of us are lactose intolerant).  I did try early on (and with glorious failure) to micro-manage all of this so that nobody went to bed hungry.  But, it made me a little nuts and things took on a rather artificial air that wasn't real or sustainable.   


Allowing the relationships to just simply be has been a test of my patience and acceptance.  I'm not good at letting things be.  I want to bedazzle them, re-paint them, or make them glittertastic.  And it's uncomfortable when things are tipped more favorably in one direction.  When I am with the partner with whom things are going well, I feel like I am betraying the other partner.  How could I possibly be having a good time (or an orgasm) with Person A when things with Person B are off kilter?  Does that make me a bad person?  Do I wait until both people are having the exact same amount of fun before I start breathing again?  Should I quit my job and join the circus?  Will anyone notice if I vajazzle myself?  


Decisions, decisions.  It is these moments when I start to kind of sort of understand multiple personalities.  My head and my heart play a free-spirited game of Good Cop/Bad Cop and I can usually walk away feeling ethically stable but still irrationally emotional. 


When these feelings arise, I have a go-to dialogue in my head.  "This is okay.  Things will often not be equal.  You love them, and they love you.  Everything is fine.  They will still buy you Junior Mints at the movies.  Wax on, wax off."  


It usually works.  Mostly.  And in the end, everybody usually gets enough ice cream.  It is not, however, my fault that they eat more slowly than I do.