Miss Communication

My first memory is hiding in the kitchen pantry while my mother and father screamed at each other.  My second memory is following my mom around the house while she piled things into cardboard boxes as she moved out.  


So, it's shocking to no one that loud argumentative voices make me cringe (and that is the best case scenario - don't ask about the worst).  This has presented a repetitive issue in Edward's and my marriage.  He is, by nature, a loud person.  He raises his voice excitedly, gesticulates wildly, and at times, seems larger than life (especially after a shot or three of bourbon).  This is, admittedly, one of the reasons I love him.  


However, the flip side of his sideshow personality is that he tends to raise his voice when we argue.  It doesn't take a Freudian to figure out where that comes from...  his dad is very similar and likes to win arguments by being louder (and of course, he's always right).  And to his credit, he has eradicated much of that "gift" from his father.  


I, on the other hand, unwillingly and indisputably turn 5 years old again when he raises he voice.  I realized recently that this trigger goes a lot deeper than even *I* realized.  


I recognize cognitively that a raised voice isn't in and of itself "bad", per se.  Unfortunately, this logic goes completely out the window and is replaced by a visceral reaction complete with tears, snot, and a generous helping of defensiveness.  


In that stupid single moment when Edward gets emotional and raises his voice, I completely forget that I am a rather functional adult with a whole arsenal of coping skills.  Instead, I turn into a fearful child on the verge of tears who has no idea how to defend herself in the bad scary world.  


This is fucking annoying.     


And of top of being annoying, it has produced something of a stalemate between Edward and myself.  I think raising one's voice during an argument is inappropriate.  He thinks it facilitates communication.  I react poorly to it and often find it nearly impossible to have a logical adult conversation, which is frustrating for him.  It has been easy to blame him for my re-activeness and disagreements between us often turn into a grand royale clusterfuck with cheese.   


Recently, I took this issue to my therapist in hopes of finding a happy medium-ish.  As we were discussing the dive into emotional oatmeal my brain takes during an argument, I was struck by a sudden vision of my 5 year old self cowering while my rather tall father yelled at me with his booming voice that seemed to carry for miles.  Immediately, I realized that is the manifestation of the aforementioned emotional oatmeal.  And, suddenly I understood the reason I get flooded so easily when we disagree.  


I'm going to need a bigger suitcase for my Daddy issues...