The subject of tolerance has been on my mind recently. Not so much in a voting or sitting on a bus kind of way but more about respecting the decisions and processes of other people.
I should note that I am currently the warehouse manager for Rupert's Idiosyncrasies, Quirks and Home Improvement Mecca. In my mind, my processes make sense. My decisions mostly make sense. Some of my idiosyncrasies do NOT make sense. I understand this. I acknowledge it. I own it, feed it, and walk it around the neighborhood.
And this is why I try REALLY REALLY HARD to respect the way other people "do things." In therapy, I've learned that casting negative judgement on others is generally an unhealthy method of feeling better about oneself. Unfortunately, it works but it does tend to net you the reputation of Judge-y Bitch Lady.
When I see someone doing something I don't understand, I try to calmly say to myself "That wouldn't be a good decision for me but it obviously works for them." This works sometimes. Other times, I dramatically enter the room and declare to Stuart or Edward "Okay, WHY.....<insert retarded behavior and name of possibly retarded person here>."
I admit it, it feels good to openly (within reason - MY reason) discuss why I think someone is a fucking idiot. And even after I question calmly or vent not as calmly, I do so with the intent of ending on a it's-their-choice-and-it-obviously-works-for-them note.
The problem is that I'm getting older. The strange thing about getting older is that you don't care as much about some things while caring a LOT more about others. I'm starting to have this irrepressible need to kick people off my lawn except that I do not have a lawn and I live too far from anything for someone to accidentally wander onto my not-lawn.
So I am conflicted. Conflicted between the water bong-y mantra of "Live and let live" and the luxury of allowing myself to believe another person is actually a fucking idiot.
Ayiyiyi. First world problems.
"I lost interest in him once he became a cheater." This sentence was uttered loudly recently at a gathering of friends which included an acquaintance who more or less peed all over her marriage vows in a pretty public way. I found it profoundly funny because who doesn't love a healthy slice of irony. The margarita or three I'd consumed didn't hurt either. The subject of the sentence was Tiger Woods who actually did become an more interesting individual after his wife went postal on his SUV with a golf club. But, I digress...
The topic of infidelity is a sore spot for me. I have experienced it personally and while we have "moved past it" and "done our homework", it does occasionally rear it's head and sends waves of ragey-rage through me.
Witnessing the transgressions of others brings up personal feelings as well as a deep sense of disappointment in humanity. Why?
Well, to put it bluntly, being cheated on sucks. As one of my therapy books put it, it is a "violation of human connection". Once the trust is broken, you can build some of it back but you can never reclaim all of it. The whole of it is lost forever. And try as you might to put on a brave face and silently repeat Stuart Smalley-esque positive affirmations, there is always the voice in your head that wonders if he really went to the grocery store or if he is actually getting his nuts yanked at Sven's House of Cock Torture. And that's just the tip of iceberg. You inadvertently assume a hyper-vigilance about all things relating to that person because you never want to be the idiot again. It's destructive and exhausting.
On a more fate-of-humanity level, your word is all you have. Or rather, our words are all we have. Theoretically, we grow up, learn who we are, learn how to communicate with others and do our best to be "good people" (whatever that is). This is why it never ceases to amaze me that time after time people allow themselves to be driven by the naughty bits.
I get that hormones are powerful. I agree that pheromones exist. I understand that sexual attraction can be intoxicating. But in order to be a civilized society, we maintain some type of control over our impulses. This is why we don't masturbate in Walgreens. (Well, I haven't. Your mileage may vary.) This is why we do not choke the lady in front of us who is taking forever to pay because her purse dog is sitting on her wallet. This is why we resist ramming into the inattentive driver who too busy talking on the phone to pay attention to large masses of metal and fiberglass whizzing past her.
As a whole, we do a decent job of maintaining surface civility. But in our relationships, it all seems to go to shit. People cheat all the time. In the case of my acquaintance, she'd been married for over ten years. Over a drug fueled weekend, she decided she didn't really want to be married anymore and then behaved as if she wasn't. Her partner was deeply hurt and although I do not know him well, I have felt a tremendous amount of empathy towards him. He didn't deserve this.
It's fine to decide that you're done with the June Cleaver pearls. But the catch is that you have re-negotiate or redefine your relationship before acting on your impulses. And this is what depresses me. In the case of my acquaintance, she decided (after her trust violation) that she wanted to have an open marriage. Ummm, NO. That is a completely idiotic request after such an egregious act. As I understand it, he has declined and they are divorcing.
I want to believe that we're NOT one tweet away from monkeys. But, I'm starting to wonder...
